Perspective

It's been a rather interesting week, here in the arctic north (ok, Nashville, Tn, but dang it's COLD).  I always find it interesting to to get a glimpse of that other people think of me, and if nothing else, it's been enlightening in that respect.

In the period of one week, I have been partial to the perspective of someone who sees the me as "cool", a leader, some one who draws people in and holds them there, even if they aren't so sure about what it is that I am saying.  It's a humbling perspective, a daunting perspective, and one I  don't necessarily agree with, but my feelings don't change their opinion.

On the other hand there is the perspective that I am a naive fool.  Someone who has been brainwashed into a belief system that is narrow minded at best, utterly ridiculous at worse, and while I am fun to be around and talk about the surface things with, there are places you don't want to go because then I get all spiritual and Jesus-freaky, and that's just uncomfortable.  It's a hurtful and belittling opinion, and one that I don't necessarily agree with, but my feeling don't change their opinion.

And let's not forget the person who knows my before and after, the saved me and the unsaved me.  I am fortunate in this case that my conversion is seen as grace and not hypocrisy, but still she sees the traces of the scars and the wounds that for so long kept me from seeing, or even wanting to see what it really is God has to offer.  She sees me as someone who has traveled a far journey and gained much and in return has much to offer.  It is a gratifying opinion, and one that warms me, and while I may not necessarily agree with it, my feeling don't change her opinion.

This week, while I drifted aimlessly, warmed and delighted by the love of sweet friends, and frustrated and angered by the misunderstandings of family, and comforted by the routine of falling into roles so well known that wearing them is somewhat like the slipping on of a second skin, I passed 100,000 hits to this site.  I expected trumpets and parades.  I wanted fanfare.  Instead it passed without notice at a time when I had little to say that was worth sharing, and now I wonder what that momentous visitor thought as they looked at the things I write here.

I never knew, when I started this that I would have so much to say.  I never dreamed that so many people would care so much about it.  But I do, and you do, obviously, because so many of you keep coming back.  And you all form opinions and observations based on what you see here, and I've come to know, now, that that is ok.

You see, I was little stirred up when I left town over some things that had been said to/ about me and some of the  things I think and say.  There are times when I wish I could be more content as a wall flower, who listens much and says little.  There are times when I wish I could try out a whole different personality for 90 days or 6 months and just see if it would suit me better (like hair color for my heart).  Maybe something a little more subtle and sophisticated.  Not because there is anything inherently wrong with me, but because I have ceased to be comfortable with  what I feel others' opinions are of me.

And so, this week was good.  Because it made me realize that while there may be as many opinions of me as there are people who know me, not one of them is going to be absolutely right on all the time.  And I'm not going to like them all.  I may not agree with most of them, but I can't control what someone else feels about me.  The only thing I can control is me.  And as long as I can look God in the eye and say "I messed up again today, but I really am trying." then all the other opinions don't really amount to very much anyway.

Still, it will be good to get home, to the person who knows me best of all, and while I may not always agree with his very high opinion of me, it never changes the way he feels. And that is a very.  good.   thing.

Comments

[Milhoan]

It may be hubris, but I think I'm one of the people above. Eh?

I hope I didn't do or help with any of the stirring. Or leave you with any hurt thoughts. I may not always agree with you, but I VERY MUCH respect you. And that respect grows exponentally through time. And frankly, I truly think that if I thought more and emotively reacted less, I'd probably find that on most of what we disagree on, you're in the right.

And while on one level it will always amuse me that you are now such a committed conservative christian, I'm not so sure your journey has been THAT far. Your basic material, the person God's made you at prime, has always been the same. And that's ALWAYS been quality stuff that I've been fortunate to know and love. I'm just grateful that your example now reminds ME what it really is that God has to offer, because as you know the course has been so smooth for me in the last many years.

And I must concur that the "cool" perspective is very much on target, whether you'll ever really believe that or not.

Finally, I can totally relate to wanting to trade myself in for a whole new personality. Feeling like I've botched it once again and wishing I could start over as someone new. I've wondered through the years what you still find worthy or attractive or engaging. But I always have been my worst critic and will battle that till the day I die. Thank God, not only for His redeeming grace but for the love and faithfulness of friends that help make it so tangibly real.

You have no idea how much I appreciate that in my valley, you've never given up on me. And that's offering so much more than I think you realize.

[Shanna]

my grandmother said "People will talk about you your whole life, listen to what is said, sieve it for truth, change what needs to be changed and let the rest go.....for the praises are often hollow, and the disgustments are often selfish envy, but the truths will always be there for you to decide what to do about....and God will help you know where to change..."
We all want people to see us at our intentioned self level, not what our reality may be. Dana, you are bright, articulate, loving, leading, caring and chosing to be committed to those things and people you love, and ideals you hold dear. That makes us all love you even if we disagree on somethings, for your life is one of honor and service and fighting the good fight.

[Jennelle]

Wonderful post!

Wow - that's a lot of hits on your page. Congratulations! :-)

Love,

Jennelle

[Jamie]

Who called my Dana a fool? Who? Why I oughta...

[Laura]

miss u *sigh*

[~Leann]

You have no idea how much I can totally relate to this blog! Living a parallel life somewhere in Texas... (((((Dana)))))

[WriteWingNut]

Dana, this is so beautiful! And such a good lesson. You should submit it to a woman's mag...there's one that has a "back page" for opinion pieces. I'm going to share it with my teenage daughter who needs to hear such great wisdom!

[heather/DB]

i know what u mean bout others opinions. I worry way too much bout them...trust me fam especially cuz i feel liike the whelchair holds me back and that i need 2 prove myself.. i like just as u are we have are own stuff to work on congrats on the 100,000 hits. I wished that many people liked mine lol

[Heather]

Don't change in anyway except the ways God leads you to. I like you.

[maria]

so well said!

[Andrea]

What you've said so succintly - is sooo true! Great post Dana!

[Amy A.]

I suffer from worrying too much about other people, but I've also been at the opposite spectrum where I didn't care a whit. When you can find that comfortable middle ground, that's a good place to be.

[pattierwr]

I appreciate what you've said here. I love you for being so honest. :-) I have been trying to teach my oldest girl about this; we are only responsible for ourselves, not for others' actions and opinions. It's a tough lesson for me at 35; how do I teach it well to my 8 year old?

[Monika]

I definitely see you as cool... but not in a cliquey, high-schoolish way... more in a "I am comfortable and happy with who I am" way - and that is cool. :) That probably made no sense, haha. Oh well. I think you probably get what I mean. :)

[AGK]

You can only be YOU, no matter what others expect or want.

[Stacey]

Our brain waves cross so many times, I agree it IS freaky! (((hugs))) I can totally relate to what you wrote here, and let me tell you that being against the wall doesn't keep you out of the line of fire, it just makes you wish you spoke up more!
I. Love. You.

[Nattie aka wallflower in hiding]

Wallflowers are boring. Trust me. ;-) I know where of I speak. I like you just the way you are. Growing, learning, laughing & loving...DANA!!!!

[Kimberley]

Introspection is so hard. Realizing and accepting that we can only do so much to change peoples' opinions of us is difficult, too. Thanks for bringing insight with such grace.